Since it’s Valentine’s Day, there are a lot of roses, chocolates, sweet messages, heart-shaped balloons and proposals everywhere.
And while most couples are excited to celebrate their Valentine’s Day right next to each other, here I am, one of those people who has made a long distance relationship my reality.
My boyfriend is a seafarer. Or, can I proudly say that he is one of the 2.3 million Overseas Filipino workers (OFW) who is now afar, working very hard to keep the world trade moving?
We met inside the community of Singles for Christ. He was into a failing relationship and I was dealing also in a break-up with my previous boyfriend.
[Fast forward] My relationship with my previous boyfriend didn’t work at all and his as well. But I was so grateful to have experienced those pain and brokenness, “truly God blessed the broken road because that led us straight to each other.”
I know my past relationship didn’t work and Long Distance Relationship is indeed a challenge for me, yet I still decided to take the plunge because of one irrevocable reason—LOVE.
Some people say that it is the distance that ruined their relationship; I barely disagree with that.
For me, the issue is not really the distance “because the distance is just a distance” but maybe it’s the person who doesn’t choose to make it work.
Distance for me is not really the real problem; I think it is choosing a person to love because not all people are for LDR.
We’re not a year-old relationship but let me share with you some excerpts from our relationship and how we make our Long Distance Relationship work:
1. We Love God first
One time in my night prayer I asked God, “Why did you let me have this kind of relationship? How can I love a person without seeing him and being with him physically?” And as I finished my night prayer I smiled and was amazed with how my question was answered: “I was taught first to love and believe in God though I’m not seeing Him physically.”
Having a partner with a strong spirit of conscience really brings confidence and assurance of faithfulness to me.
I really love the thought of serving God together, me, reading at the altar and my boyfriend, playing music and singing with the choir. The best moment is that we’ve chosen to have quality time together with God.
2. Don’t listen to negativity
Before I said “yes” to my boyfriend he already gave me a background of how people look down their profession. “SEAMANLOLOKO” was how he summarized it to me.
I know judgmental people will always have their opinions, but I learned not to exert my precious effort and attention for them. In anything you do, there are always comments; it’s up to you if in what way you’ll entertain their unending conclusions.
My point here is that if you think that their opinion is less worthy or will not help you make your relationship grow stronger, then it’s better not to listen.
And whenever there are issues about your partner always ask for his explanation and try to examine things. Listen first to him and do not just jump into a conclusion.
Whenever we heard a negative comment about our relationship I always hear my boyfriend say, “Ayan na naman, love, may intruder.” It’s just like we’re playing a game and we have one goal, that is to protect the relationship that we have. Well, we have a good teamwork!
3. Communicate
I remember every time we have a misunderstanding, he will always say these lines, “Palamig ka ng ilang minuto, tapos kausapin mo na ako.”
“Pag away away lang, walang ‘You can’t reply to this conversation.’”
Thank God, I’m done with that block-unblock-block immature talent.
I’ve realized that it is not the 11,000 kilometers between us that separate us, but the worst distance is the one we’ve created when we have a fight, when we stop talking to each other because of pride.
Communication is necessary for any relationship most especially in a Long Distance Relationship. In our situation, we have a different time zone, but we make sure to always have a communication. Since our time does not always meet, we make it a habit to constantly leave a message in our chat box so we may be always updated with each other.
We also set a time that is well-matched with both of us and we try to stick with it so we have consistency. And whenever there’s a misunderstanding, I’ve learned to pause for a while and then start to speak about the issue.
4. Always give compliments
It is not expensive to say “thank you” at least once before the day ends. Reading a thank you message from the person you are missing after a long tiring and busy day with adding God bless and I love you, is really uplifting.
Saying compliments o “pambobola” adds a smile on my face. I really love the feeling when he says, “Okay lang mastress, maganda ka pa rin,” though I’m not sure, if he is really saying the truth. Well, I don’t care because that line multiplies my energy and enlighten my day.
5. Trust
My parents were also in LDR. My father was working in Manila and my Mother was here with us in Palawan.
I remembered the advice of my father when I told him that I’m already in a relationship but it’s also LDR, just like them.
He gave me a piece of advice about trust, saying that trust is the highest form of love, you can love all the people you trust, but you cannot trust all the people you loved. To gain trust you need to be honest, “Be honest because you don’t have a pointed nose like Pinocchio.” I don’t know if I will believe in this one. He also make it clear that trust is a give-and-take process and giving trust to your boyfriend means having respect to your man. “Huwag mong aapakan ang ego ng lalaki, learn to submit and respect the decisions of your man, you can suggests and make him realize things in a nice way, but don’t act like a boss, let him be a man.”
6. Forgive and move forward
Learn to forgive; always say sorry, if needed. Holding a grudge in your heart and carrying pride is a self-inflicted pain many people are not enjoying.
Saying sorry doesn’t mean you are the one who made mistakes. It’s just like you are the one who has a greater understanding. In the end, it’s not about who made the mistake, it is about the time and the relationship that you saved from a long fight. It takes only a second to say sorry, then you can enjoy more time to make memories and be happy.
But that was also a case to case basis; there are grave mistakes that need more time to serve forgiveness. Just remember to learn to forgive yourself, not for others, and guard your heart for those who are abusive. Forgiving comes with justice. You can forgive, but doesn’t mean you allow yourself to be hurt again and again.
If you learn to forgive, then learn to move forward. I know it’s not that easy to forget, but at least move forward. One of the common scenarios in a lover’s quarrel is when one partner became a good historian. Good thing, me and my boyfriend are not good in history. We have this rule in our relationship wherein we say, “Bawal maging historian, walang sumbatan ng nakaraan para iwas bangayan.” So far, we only have an hour or less of boring LQs.
If the issue is finished, then, let it lie in the past. Don’t serve your yesterday’s fight again and again. Nobody wants to eat a leftover from weeks or month; it’s not healthy, and so, unsafe.
7. Commitment
Falling in love is easy, but staying in love is another thing.
Being in love is one of the amazing things in this world. That moment when we feel so motivated and excited, having that rush intense emotions, so-called “Kilig” or that feeling of having butterflies in the stomach that makes us do incredible things like chatting and talking on the phone 24/7.
Until the day comes when Isaac Newton hit us so badly with his Law of Gravity, “What goes up must come down,” and all that feelings subside.
I asked my boyfriend questions while writing this article and his answer makes my ears clap.
What if that day comes that all the kilig and your feelings for me change? Will you stay? Will you still be faithful?
“YES, for commitment is the reality of love. Hindi dahil naboring ka na bibitaw ka na. Tatanda tayong dalaga at binata kapag ganun. Magagawaan naman yan ng paraan para maibalik.”
I remember also Ate Cess commented in one of my shared post about falling in love in which she said, “Love happens when you are no longer in love.”
Commitment is when you see all the flaws and imperfections of your partner but still, you never stop choosing him each and every day.
8. Faithfulness
I think what made a Long Distance Relationship so special and different is the challenge of being faithful while being apart from each other.
Faithfulness comes when you put that commitment into action.
Being with each other’s arm after a long time of being apart is a proof of a true faithfulness, “True love has a habit of coming back.”
One of the best feelings of a Long Distance Relationship is the moment when you are standing at the arrival area of the airport and all the feelings refresh. Having that feeling of excitement and “kilig” just like before, when you’re in courting days.
Faithfulness justifies your commitment when you’re making a lot of difficult and selfless choices because the joy of the two of you as a partner means so much more to you than your own individual desires.
9. Be contented and learn to be independent
“Truly it takes a strong woman to love a seaman.”
Before I enter this kind of relationship, I made it clear to myself that I have to accept all the sacrifices, challenges and emotional struggles that I’ll be facing through.
And since my boyfriend is a seaman, he only gets limited time to call me and his family, yet I am so thankful and contented for having such a minute that he spends with me.
I know time will come that I will have this feeling of being alone. He’ll not be present in some important occasions like anniversaries, birthday and others, but the hardest time is when I will need him the most, in times of trials then I can’t have him in my side. I just have to be strong and independent in facing problems on my own.
10. Listen to your parents and your extended family
“Honor Thy Parents” is one of the Ten Commandments of God. That’s why I firmly believe that there’s a promise of blessing in listening to parents.
One character of my boyfriend that I really admire and one of the reasons why I made up my mind to say yes to him, is because I see his trait of being a family oriented person; how he respects his parents, how polite and loving son he is.
We are so blessed to have a relationship wherein we have blessings from both sides of our family and also having the support of our friends and extended families. The support that they have for us really matter especially in times of trials.
In our relationship, we set some boundaries in the opinion of other people. When we face some issues or misunderstanding in our relationship, we’ve decided to isolate the issue just between the two of us.
We don’t ask for outside help as long as we can handle it. But there are times that we also need to listen and take some advice from our parents and extended family, so-called “experts.” Now the thing is, if we share the issues to other people we make sure that we are just telling the story of what really happened, what the issue is all about and not talking negatively about our partner just to win the sympathy of people around us. I believe that the relationship that you have reflects also the character and personality that you have.
11. We Plan our future together
We become part of each other’s plan for the future. Sharing each other’s dream is one of our best conversations we that we have. Having deep talks about what future we will make together inspire each one of us to work hard in our everyday routines.
I believed that loved has its immeasurable power, it endures all things even distance and no great love ever came without great struggle and sacrifices.
I won’t lie – long distance was incredibly hard, but we made it work because we choose to make it work.
They used to say, “Only a Strong Woman can Love a Seaman.” I am not that strong, but I will surely be.