Since my first wave of healing, one major thing that I have put into my mind is to sit with my emotions but never sleep with them.
I have always avoided writing about anything personal, for writing feels more of a private interruption between me and myself. The same goes with sharing any personal wins, and I started to gatekeep what helped me get through my darkest days.
I would often resort to writing my thoughts, listening to instrumental music, and binge-watching a series that I have already memorized every line because it is the only thing I lay my eyes on, from 7 in the morning till the following day, too, nonstop. Imagine, from the first month of lockdown, March 2020, up to July of the same year, I only circled my routine to eating, cooking different recipes that I have learned from Tiktok, trying to work out once in a while but would often resort to crying as I remember things that I no longer talk about, or would sleep to let the day pass through.
While everybody else is in panic during that first quarter of isolation (not much movement in the streets due to the then community quarantines, meaning not much gala or gimmicks to go to), it would sound very selfish of me to say that it was a big breather for me to have been locked at home.
Not because I am happy that people are starting to die, that people are growing more into famine and unemployment, or that people who are in abusive households no longer have the means to escape it through everyday schooling, but because I get to enclose myself with pillows and me-time that I had failed to give myself when I was still busy making mistakes during my teenage years, most especially of how I devoted myself to the kind of love that neither helped me to grow nor made me feel worthy of myself. I used that March to grieve for everything that I lost to mental battles–my passion for writing and reading, my dreams and goals in life, my love for singing, my bouncy hair and silky skin. Due to depression and all else, I lost everything.
Back then, I started to question God’s position in my life; I became idle with praying or even to ‘consult’ something to Him, for I began to believe that maybe He was not listening at all because if He did, then I would not be in such darkness. Moreover, ‘the world would not have been in great chaos, plus the pandemic,’ my 2020 self thought of.
When I was brokenhearted for all the worldly reasons, my body could feel everything–-blood rush, palpitations while cold sweat runs down, random chest pains that I have always thought to be an early and slow burn to death. Back then, the intensity of the emotions was just too real that there was this one night that I forgot to breathe, at least for a minute.
I was just so used to numbing my emotions that every time I start to feel a wave of sadness or a sudden gush of joy, I tend to back down and feel weird about it, and that is when I realized; wasn’t it because I am so full of having to treat myself, all by myself, and that I am starting to cancel the One above? I had to rethink, and that is when I realized that I have been relying on my strength for the past months, thinking that I can get through it all only if I get my head in the game.
However, God does not want that. God wants us to align our path to Him. According to Proverbs 3:5-6 -” Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight,” we are expected to ask for the Lord’s guidance even if the road is shaky, even if it meant having to set aside our knowledge and intelligence for the highest good.
In that time of being aloof to God, there could be times that I would feel so above the roof that I would disrespect my elders to get whatever I wanted since I thought that God was not watching over me, nor the angels that were written in the scriptures.
But then I remembered this one verse that I always hear during those times of trouble: Psalm 34:18 -” The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” It is that something that I did not hold dearly close to my heart that time, for I thought that I was alone during those nights filled with nonstop tears and silenced weeping so I could feel my emotions, but as the verse said, it is during our darkest hour that God is with us, silently holding our shoulders to be still subtly. That indeed, God is with us during our most rebellious hour, when we think that He is sleeping as if wearing a noise-canceling device to get away from our cries. Yes, He is there.
In May of that same year, I finally encountered God.
It was a simple sunny afternoon when I decided to clean my room and declutter the things I no longer need when I suddenly felt the need to play Christian songs that I used to love. I remember that it was 2:23 PM; I played Safe by Victory Worship–my go-to music since 11th grade–to finally let myself feel the presence of God after my months of ‘faith-hiatus.’ As I listened to it, I talked to Him eyes closed, and into 3 minutes to the conversation, I found it challenging to connect with Him, but when the bridge part of the song came, I finally wept–I told him everything that I never told anyone, as if not knowing that He is all-powerful, all-knowing.
My eyes were filled with tears, and as if on cue, a streak of light went to strike my eye, coming from the reflection of the sunlight through my window. When I checked my nearby wall clock, it was exactly 3 in the afternoon. For the first time in months, about eight months (to be exact) that time, I talked to God, He answered quickly, and that very same night, I started to write in my journal again, my heart singing softly in devotion to the Lord, once again.
I am not writing this piece to push people to appreciate the pandemic. It is insensitive to those who have lost their beloved to the virus, nor am I writing this to come clean of not doing something that once hurt others in this time of isolation. But being able to share my story of how I managed to get through those tears and sleepless nights when I once thought that everything before was the end of me, it was proven that God is with us, just waiting for our return to His embrace. He does not expect us to be swift to welcome our once lost faith, but He is always and forever active in listening to our thoughts even if it is not addressed to Him.
During my brokenness, I could also see people on different social media platforms who are reluctant to ask for help, whether from their environment or even for God’s benefit. Back then, I also felt ashamed to come close to Him, again, for I thought that I was too dirty and unworthy for Him to call as His daughter, but I realized: if it is not Him, then who else? Who else could heal me, who else could accept me?
But then I started to follow inspirational speakers, groups who are all for God. I realized that the more I surround myself with people who are not obsessed with pointing out my weaknesses, the more that I will feel regarded and secure of what is planned for me and what I genuinely deserve than what I think that’s enough for me. God uses our mistakes to turn us into beautiful souls, to cleanse with His unwavering love, and to use us to reach other people who may be feeling bad about themselves, too.
Just like broken vessels, God mends broken people to liken to His image, to mirror for change that is yet to happen to other people’s lives. Being able to face the pain that we are feeling right now is essential to prepare ourselves for the years to come and shape our present self to become a steward to our community. Whether in love or life, our brokenness is not something for us to feel disgraceful of. When worldly lies fill our minds, our bodies feel the need to break free from what is morally right and resort to whichever is comforting to the body.
Almost two years after the encounter, I would not say that I am entirely free of everything chaining me down, but I know I am in better shape now.
The hurt you may be feeling right now is just too intense that you do not expect anybody else to fathom how it feels like, but knowing that the presence of hope is just somewhere out there waiting for your call, the body will feel at ease, calm. In the darkest hour of your life, when it feels cold and lonely when the world seems to have gone against your back, and even when you feel like ceasing your faith in Him, I would want you always to remember these verses that I know dearly hold:
Psalm 34:18 -” The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit,”
Romans 8: 18 -” The pain that you’ve been feeling cannot compare to the joy that’s coming,”
The way you forgive yourself for the things you didn’t know during that time of your mistake should not be taken against you. Although substantial for one’s growth, the past is no longer the main course of today. It is you, your well-being, your point-of-view in life.