Filipinos have shown ignorance and dismissal of the fact that abuse happens in intimate relationships, saying that two people who are in love do not have the propensity to hurt each other inside the relationship–true enough. If you truly love the person, then why would you do anything that could tarnish her feelings and may strike her to the core? Literally and figuratively.
It is sickening to hear and read comments on the recent Jalandoni-Thompson issue wherein the man in the relationship is believed to have laid fists on his loved one. Several comments have been made, but the lingers on, “If she didn’t really want to be beaten up, she shouldn’t have done this, that,” and the rest of the victim-blaming narrative goes on.
One may also approach an elder, to which they would say that the affliction of corporal punishments during their time are a great form of ‘love’ from their parents–adding up to the confusion of abuse as a form of love, when clearly any form of abuse only gives mental and physical trauma to an individual. The same narrative is carried out till today, that it is even glorified in such romantic relationships that grow abuse thereafter.
Going back to the recent case of the celebrity couple, it was said that Jalandoni called for help from her friends, to rescue her from being detained from a hotel situated in one of the top staycation areas in the country. It is fascinating how people choose to blame the victim, to glorify the idea that they guy may have just been angered by the girl, that the guy’s reaction to whatever it is that they may have been fighting about is just, that the girl deserves to get a hit for being too talkative, and the likes.
Some may normalize violence in a relationship, but what they fail to give light into is that no matter how big the argument may be, it will never be valid to throw kicks against someone they claim to love. No one has the right to hurt, control, or make someone fear the idea of being vocal of what they feel–most importantly, if they abuse you and claim it as love.
It is easy for one to urge an individual in a relationship to just leave their abusive partner, but little do people know is the clinging that stemmed from the mental torture that their partner gives–abusive partners tend to show signs of better changes in their behavior and lifestyle but only lasts for a day or two, just enough for their victim to still cling onto their words, hoping for more.
The clinging on the situation also adds up to the denial of the situation that the victim, also serves as their defense mechanism from being told of what to do, confusion of their abusive partner’s manipulative tactics, and the most thing of why these victims still chooses to stay is their growing faith and hope that they their love for their abuser may still heal their issues.
People who have been in an abusive relationship are often than not aware of trauma bonding–the attachment that a victim or a submissive person in a relationship may form with their dominant or abusive partner, established by the abuser’s control through different aspects, everything that is entirely destructive–clinging on to the highs of the relationship, sweeping the red flags under the rug.
Looking past the red flags that are happening in a relationship, such as uncontrollable temper, avoidance of communication, intense jealousy, all the littlest things, down to the unforgivable and major part of afflicting physical abuse; these are all possible to be sources of empathy and compassion of the victim towards the abuser, assuming the role of the one who should be ‘understanding’ of the situation. Also, the devastation from not being able to leave the situation lingers.
Even with knowing better, the mind and the body chooses to adhere to what it thinks it deserves, disregarding what is best for them.
But when it escalates to the constant hits that lead to the shedding of blood and disfigured physique, the matters should no longer be in the hands of the victim, for it is already filled with manipulation and gaslight from the abuser. This should already be put in the hands of the authorities but changing and choosing to be free from the chains of exploitation in an intimate relationship is up to the victim.
The victim may love the person too much to let them go, but the satisfaction of being able to stand up for themselves against abuse is a different story. The bottomline here is why can’t people believe the victim even when presented with various pieces of evidence and facts, when in the middle of injustice, the victim should always be believed in?
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