Not a registered psychometrist and all but this is based on my own personal recent experience and self-help books which helped me a lot in my journey. Thank you all to my friends and family who stuck with me as I leave that chapter. This is also a trigger warning to all of you out there – who might’ve dealt, experience, or is until now struggling with the same situation.
4 stages I went through while dating a narcissist:
1) Love Bombing / Idealization Stage
Phase 1- He will promise you all the good things in life, offers you the world but in the end gives you a nightmare. He will make sure that he says all the things and qualities that’ll make you feel good. He will always compliment you and makes sure he always has something to give you, gifts, flowers, chocolates. He will say that you’re intelligent and pretty, and kind, and empathetic towards people around you — but the truth is, these are the qualities that he doesn’t have and that he envies about you. These are YOUR qualities that he longs for, but can’t achieve, because the only true fact about these kinds of people is that they lack empathy towards other people’s emotions and they don’t really know how to react.
Phase 2 – He tells you all about his life. He tells you the traumas he went through. All his bad experiences from other women he’s been with. He will tell you they’re crazy and if ever you hear something negative about him, he will always find the smartest way to lie and twist the truth in order for their exes to look crazy. He plays the “victim card,” and will make you feel that you need to rescue him, thus imposing on you, unconsciously, the so-called “white knight syndrome.” That’s their green light sign — when they discover that you’re already attached and that you’re there for him always, he knows he’s got you on a leash.
2) Devaluation Stage
This is where the red flags start to show. He will begin to change his behavior more often. He will always need constant attention, he will ask you to stop hanging out with your friends and if you insist to talk about it, he will immediately play out with your mind and will make you look like you don’t value him enough. “Go with your lame friends. You always make time for them more than me.” He will ask you to do stuff and other tasks for him, even if it’s beyond your will. “If you love me, you will do it.” He will demand more of your time and doesn’t seem to understand that you, too, need some time for yourself and your job. He will start to criticize and belittle you and will now complain about the little things that you don’t get right. “You’re so stupid. The task was very simple. You don’t seem to be good enough for anything.” “I definitely don’t care about your job; you really just don’t give a damn about how I feel.” Lastly, he wants you to prioritize him above anything else. And if you flick and try, explain, it’ll lead into an argument.
3) Discard Stage
Emotional, mental and physical abuse may reach an all-time high. And what’s worse is, even if it’s his fault that you two had an argument in the first place, he will never, ever blame himself for the way you reacted or for simply anything. He will always blame YOU. Because, as I’ve mentioned, narcissistic people don’t know how to apologize. Their brains are wired differently. They lack empathy. That’s why empaths always attract toxic and narcissistic people because empathetic and intelligent individuals are highly sensitive towards the people around them. they know what to say in every situation and they feel like they need to help out whenever or whoever is in need. Narcissistic people LACK these that’s why they prey and target who have these sort of qualities. On the discard stage, phrases such as these may often be heard; “It’s your fault that I had to talk to other girls who can understand me and gives me time.” “See? If you listened to me in the first place, we really didn’t need to fight over that silly matter.” “Why are you crying? Oh, stop. It makes me feel disgusting.” “No one will ever love you like me because you’re a slut and everybody knows that.” “You’re crazy! She’s just a friend. Why don’t we talk about how many male contacts you have on your friend list?!”
What you need to do to beat a narcissist:
Leave. Block all contacts, 100%. Know what you bring to the table. Bring back the person you were before you met him. Focus on yourself and your goals. Make sure he sees that you can and will live happily without him in your life. Narcissistic people feel that they are entitled to control your life and decisions. They feed on your weakness and sensitivity. They love the sense of power, dominion and control of their victim’s life. And whenever you get too emotional and start to cry, they feel like they are proud and winning against you in their game. On the outside, it may seem that they are trying to console you and offer you fake apologies but inside their minds, they only think that you deserve to cry because it’s all your fault.
So, what do you need to do in order to beat a narcissist? DISCARD them and never contact them again. When you discard them and cut them entirely out of your life, it means that you beat them in their own game. You need to take away the power to control your life from them. And when they don’t have that capability anymore, they will long to take it back. They will promise you that they’ll change but that is just a lie. The person you fell in love with does not exist. That’s only an image they projected in your mind to win you in the first place. They will never, ever, change. In fact, their toxicity will only get worse as they find a new target.
What happens when you leave and discard a narcissist?
Eventually, when you discard a narcissist, they’ll never get over it. It’ll hurt them, including their ego which is the most important thing for them in this world. This is when the “Smear Campaign” starts. They will say negative comments and tell stories about you. “She’s crazy! She only proved to me that she’s a real slut!” “I’m never gonna go chase her. That’s her fault!” “She’s a bad person. She cheated on me.”
They will always twist and distort the truth. One thing I noticed about narcissistic people is they value their image and the opinion of people around them way too much. They like to look good in the eyes of other people. They’re very good at controlling and faking other people’s perception of them because that’s their expertise, it’s their game. They will be so generous to others, give them gifts, favors, and all because they’re trying to maintain the image of them being a really good person. And the only thing that scares them is their real image gets exposed. When their mask peels off.
Why? Because that’s the end game for them. They will never find another victim. And when you start to expose them, things will only get worse. I was a little bit late to realize that people who believe the fake stories and lies of a narcissist will never believe your side of the story because they are still under the pedestal of him being a nice guy and all, in short, they’re all still under his circus show. So that’s why these people will never believe you. But nevertheless, it’s YOUR TRUTH. And people who truly value you and know you will always believe you.
Lastly, keep on ignoring them. The Smear Campaign is basically created to infuriate you and enrage you. And once you flip and try to straighten the truth, he will tell people that you’re the crazy one. He will tell his next target “See, I told you. She’s crazy!”
And once you pay attention and react to their fake stories and the negative comments, it will just boost up their ego and think that you’re still not over them. So, expect that you’ll hear lies and fake stories from your narcissistic ex, but cut control yourself and do not ever, ever, react.
Keep in mind, real queens do not mess with peasants. And we do not bother ourselves over the opinion of scrubs.